I Am A Rock

I am convinced an angel looks out for me.

First, I get up, and because you have deserted me, last night I was invited out. And tonight too, and I have to bake a pudding.

I do groceries, the laundry and then people come over to fix the door and the gutter and check the leaking ceiling. It takes all afternoon, after which I am running out of time.

Now I have to go.

I want to cry. But I can't. It's like I'm holding it all in, trying to be brave and strong for my self. This other half of me that is made of rock, that is like a corset that reins my emotional half in is still in one piece. But I feel it fraying at the edges, unsure if we can together make it through a night of smiling and pretending everything is okay and that you are really just paying your mother an obligatory visit. Nothing to worry about.

The truth is farther than the lie than it has ever been. I am alone this time, in my contemplation of giving it all up, of walking away from you. I guess this is what happens when you grow up. You have to be alone to make the painful decisions.

I hope this time you will have the courage to either walk away or stay for good.

Because I do not think this other half of me, the rock that holds me grounded and together, can withstand another storm.