Dear You
It's funny. Even when writing here, in cyberspace, under cover, and without anyone's real knowledge, I hesitate.
But here goes. Deep breath.
When I first saw you on Facebook, I thought to myself - what a sweet, cute, darling man. You don't exactly make my toes curl, which is what I have been grappling with over the last few days. But some part of me, the part that hums quietly in the background, is attracted to you as if an imaginary string has been tied on either end to each of us.
OK that sounds drastic.
I like you. I like your smile, your mind, the way you looked at me as if I was half loony but quite extraordinary when I told you I wanted a golf buggy. I think you actually thought I was cute then, and you were slightly amazed.
Since then, you and I have struck up a strange little correspondence. While discussing work, personal details have easily slipped in. Maybe that's just your nature. Maybe. Obviously, I've done my snooping - trawling through your Facebook pages, your online journal, your web page. I don't get a sense you've done that. Of course you haven't, why would you.
Anyway, I find myself looking forward to hearing from you. And wanting to tell you about my day. As if it's of consequence to you ha ha!
SO here goes.
Today I woke up with the left overs of a migraine, or at least I think it was one. And Mom dropped in on me. Trust her antennae to pick up on when I play truant. Even now!
Last night, oh last night, I watched a hokey moview and fell in love with a man in it. Oh this man! Not so handsome but rugged, sweet, love written all over his face. And he reminded me of you.
OK, this confirms it. The me in a parallel universe is having a mid-life crisis.
LOL.
Monday, July 14, 2008
You
Hello You
I have decided that since I have an other half who is rather uncommunicative, and that sometimes she makes me wonder whether I should leave her, but yet I love her, I should just have an imaginary affair with You.
So here goes.
Since we won't talk about these things in person (it would be improper), I am going to put them in here.
I have decided that since I have an other half who is rather uncommunicative, and that sometimes she makes me wonder whether I should leave her, but yet I love her, I should just have an imaginary affair with You.
So here goes.
Since we won't talk about these things in person (it would be improper), I am going to put them in here.
Saturday, July 12, 2008
Loving
Sometimes like today, you are affectionate and it makes me happy. I love you in all the right ways because you kiss me and actually look glad to see me emerge from the bedroom.
But these are rare occasions. Most days you are unacknowledging, no display of joy at the sight of me. I know it's not because of who you are. I watch you with the dog and know you are capable of more affection, outbursts of joy. And I wonder if on most days you don't love me as much.
It' silly, some would say. But for someone like me, who craves affection and touch, who likes lying next to someone when she can, it is hard.
I wonder then, what he would be like. He looks like someone who would not let you stray too far when in the same room. Whose face would light up every time you enter his space.
I want that. That feeling of being loved from the inside, from the subconscious, the gut of you.
Thing is maybe you do love me from your gut. I see it when I need it most. Perhaps with you it's the middle that sometimes goes to sleep and forgets I am there.
Weird.
But these are rare occasions. Most days you are unacknowledging, no display of joy at the sight of me. I know it's not because of who you are. I watch you with the dog and know you are capable of more affection, outbursts of joy. And I wonder if on most days you don't love me as much.
It' silly, some would say. But for someone like me, who craves affection and touch, who likes lying next to someone when she can, it is hard.
I wonder then, what he would be like. He looks like someone who would not let you stray too far when in the same room. Whose face would light up every time you enter his space.
I want that. That feeling of being loved from the inside, from the subconscious, the gut of you.
Thing is maybe you do love me from your gut. I see it when I need it most. Perhaps with you it's the middle that sometimes goes to sleep and forgets I am there.
Weird.
Friday, July 11, 2008
You
I am committing this little fantasy I have been nursing over the last two days to memory. So it stays here, in this twisted, public, private space because feelings are exactly that - private possessions of one's own that are actually insidiously publicly displayed by your tone of voice, twinkle of eye or sway of hips.
I like you. I liked you immediately. Even before we met, I saw your photographs, I read between the lines of your Facebook entries and got to know you. The only thing I didn't expect was that you were shorter than imagined.
But you were every bit the creature I had conjured in my head. This loving, and that's not a word I often use, intense, at times boisterous, thoughtful, eager boy. In a different universe, one where I am not attached, I would probably even care to venture further and make you curious.
Of course, even in that universe, you could not respond. But that's someone else's story.
In mine, we are at one time, curled up in bed, the dog next to us, sharing secrets and dreams and futures of our own with one another. We lead a full life, full of lvoe and hand-holding, kissing and little surprises at the dinner table. And a gorgeous little wedding.
It must be the strain of the last few days that have led me down this overgrown path in my garden.
Thing is, when I think about you, and you have been the favourite subjecto f my mental wanderings lately, I can imagine nice things. Affection, but not passion.
And no, I wouldn't leave the person in this life for you. Despite her weaknesses and her seeming lack of affection.
But it's nice to think about. And nice to realise that somewhere out there, there are people I am attracted to at some level. I thought they didn't exist anymore.
They do. You do.
And that is enough for me.
I like you. I liked you immediately. Even before we met, I saw your photographs, I read between the lines of your Facebook entries and got to know you. The only thing I didn't expect was that you were shorter than imagined.
But you were every bit the creature I had conjured in my head. This loving, and that's not a word I often use, intense, at times boisterous, thoughtful, eager boy. In a different universe, one where I am not attached, I would probably even care to venture further and make you curious.
Of course, even in that universe, you could not respond. But that's someone else's story.
In mine, we are at one time, curled up in bed, the dog next to us, sharing secrets and dreams and futures of our own with one another. We lead a full life, full of lvoe and hand-holding, kissing and little surprises at the dinner table. And a gorgeous little wedding.
It must be the strain of the last few days that have led me down this overgrown path in my garden.
Thing is, when I think about you, and you have been the favourite subjecto f my mental wanderings lately, I can imagine nice things. Affection, but not passion.
And no, I wouldn't leave the person in this life for you. Despite her weaknesses and her seeming lack of affection.
But it's nice to think about. And nice to realise that somewhere out there, there are people I am attracted to at some level. I thought they didn't exist anymore.
They do. You do.
And that is enough for me.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)