Loving

I like how it is quiet and peaceful and happy inside me now.  I think I am not used to it, because I constantly question whether I am really happy being here, especially since no one I really, really care for is within reach.

Wow, ain't that the truth.  Everyone I really give a shit about is a plane ride away.  There is no one on this island I cannot live without.

What makes a woman pick up and leave something happy?  And go to a new place to be happy where no one who brings happiness into her life lives?

A paradox?

Life here for me is I think more contemplative due to its solitariness.  I am surrounded by people all day, yes, and even at night, but yet I am for all intents and purposes alone.

The new house embraces the solitary me.  Yet it has enough room for Tigger, for happy times around the kitchen counter, she cooking and me baking and filling the house with all sorts of wonderful.  And our laughter.

Perhaps that is what I miss the most.  That in the last few months, even when we are together here, there is little laughter.  Because we have no home.  Just a room with limited things and even more limited avenues for entertainment and activity.  And no kitchen, which in our relationship, is a big deal.

We're funny, she and I.  She doesn't give in to my drama or pity me when I am being silly.  It's almost grown-up in a way.  I am finally dating a grown-up.

The biggest difference between us perhaps, is that I am happy.  Happy with where my life is, what I have achieved and what I am building.  Happy with the prospect of a new home.

And she is still waiting and working towards her dream.  It can't be easy being her, seemingly plagued forever with problems that stand in her way.  Although sometimes I do feel a lot of it is due to her own procrastination.  The waiting for this and that instead of barging ahead and just doing.

In a lot of ways, it's difficult to define how we are a couple.  We are emotionally bonded but we live very separate lives.  We are companions, but our days run on different tracks most of the time and in completely different places.

There is always the possibility that eventually we will drift apart.  If we are not careful.

But then again, as she always says, thinking something can make it come true.  In her head, we are together, no question about it.  And there aren't any conditions to our togetherness, no criteria for space, time, distance, or anything else except the notion that we both are committed to each other.

I watched a movie today about sworn sisters in the Chinese culture and I think I kind of understand where she is coming from.  In her own way, she teaches me new things about loving.  How simple it can be.  And easy.

The Heart Moves In

This will probably be one of my last posts in this room.  It has been about six months now since I have been homeless.  A girl owns a hotel and not a home, yet.  Ironic isn't it?

I walked in the new house tonight, turning on all the lights, imagining where all my belongings will go.  It's been so long now since I've last seen them unpacked, I don't know if I can remember everything.

The good thing is the new house will probably allow me to purchase a bit more furniture!  But sadly, I think I will need new curtains.

It's kinda strange, because now I have old furniture that's too good to get rid of, and yet a part of me feels like a change.  Which is hard to do without changing everything.

I look forward to building the new home now.  Something tells me a lot of the building will be solo, with me doing most everything and Tigger just dropping in for the major highlights.

I would have loved a house like this back in the city.  Especially the garden, the way it unfolds and will be lit up at night so I can turn off all the lights inside.

Yes, it will be special and beautiful because I will make it that way.

Tonight the stars are back out again, after a momentary absence.  But they are small pinpricks and do not hang low.  The sky is a real inky black though, with a whisp of cloud just carelessly thrown in the forefront for good measure.

I know I am beginning to bond with the new house.  The dining room and the upstairs will be my favourite places.  The dining room with all its glass.  I just have to fix the lighting issue because it is important to me.  Dinners must be just right.

Although quite frankly, I can't think of anyone on this island I'd really like to have around the table.  With the exception of Richelle's family.  Somehow I like them.

I don't even want the friends I knew prior to moving here to come, really.

But friends from home, I would love.  And I think they would love it too.

I can't wait for Babbitt and Miu to see it.

And of course le famille.

Tigger's family is insane.

My Island Life

The reality of my solitariness is finally sinking in, if there is such a word.

Alone is a choice I made, without perhaps really realising it. In this new life, I have no real friends in close proximity, within arm's reach. No family as yet. Not real family that is. Just the two boys, whom I tenuously depend on.

I am sure Tiggy would say that it is all in my head - this feeling that I am by myself. But I think she is now beginning to understand how I feel - that having people around me does not equate to having someone really being there for me. She is at times, I know, lost, at her inability to assist me when I am feeling overwhelmed. 

But, I have to say, this being alone is not something that sits unwell with me. Strangely enough, there is part of me that enjoys it. As if I have learned to detach from everyone else, and I don't really need anyone with me for me to be happy. I have become a rather unfamiliar creature to myself since the Apocalypse.

I find myself strange sometimes. I don't know if I am happier, or whether a part of me has died.