Questions

Day 4 of not talking.

I have discovered of late that whenever we are not talking or you are not around, I sleep better. I wonder why.

The house is also cleaner - as if both of us make more of an effort to keep it neat.

I go to the gym more.

I am so torn between just ending things and persevering. Yet I cannot forget how you have ignored my birthdays two years in a row. Yet you can offer your ex a wonderfully lavish birthday present. I think there's something wrong with that equation.

I don't trust you. My gut tells me that when we are apart like this you wander, and entertain thoughts and possibilities of being with someone else.

This is what life without you would be like:

I would go to work, to the gym, see friends, have to scramble to feed the dogs, have no one to come home to and talk with, have no one to do groceries with, have no one to sleep next to and hold me and tell me that everything will be okay.

I am trying to figure out whether we persevere because we are both afraid of being alone, or whether we actually want to be with one another. I am beginning to feel perhaps it is the latter.

I still love you and want you but I don't think you feel the same. It is always me touching you and goading you into intimacy. Not the other way round.

I wonder why I persevere. Is it because I really love you or because I don't want to be by myself.

This is always confusing. This petering out of exhilaration that makes me question.

Is it my habitual questioning whether there's something else out there? I don't know.

I know that when I am apart from you I don't lie awake worrying about money. I don't worry about what will happen if something happens to me or you and how we are going to pay for it.

I worry less. As if a burden has been lifted from my shoulders.

Do I really have the strength to do this by my self? I think as I grow older, I grow stronger, and am able to face the possiblity of being alone for a while. Or a long time.

I don't like it. I want to be with someone. But I want to be with someone who wants to be there with me. Not someone I have to second guess, not someone who thinks breaking up is always a possibility.

I know that I sometimes think about breaking up - like now. But I also know that I want to work at this, as long as I feel you want to as well. Because there's no point just talking, talking, talking about things.

When you say you want to leave me, I will be sad. Because I know we could have been so much better if only you and I had figured out a way to be more supportive of this relationship than just giving in to our personal baggage.

Problem is, I feel like I am the one figuring out the baggage tags all the time. You just ride along with me.

Maybe I am just tired of having a passenger in my life.