You

How quickly you and I have gravitated to the center of each other's beings.

You are a person who doesn't say much. At least about your feelings for me. Because you are on the surface a little conflicted still, about my place in your life.

For some reason, it is not disconcerting. Because it tells me that you consider me carefully. That you take me seriously. That you do not view you and me and us lightly, as if we are something that should not just be seen as a spot of fun.

You are the rational one between us, the one who doesn't cede control beyond a certain point.

You are beautiful in that right.

You have been thinking about us, I know. Despite your words that say you cannot commit and you do not feel ready to give of yourself you do. In your thought and action, already you are beginning to want me in your life, a part of your life. Yet you hesitate.

I know why you hesitate. But I think you don't know how I actually feel, and perhaps I don't either.

Today you said you felt me there with you. As if it was something that you finally felt at last, after these last few weeks.

I think my past scares you, or causes you to doubt me. And that's okay for now.

You said today that seeing me happy and making me happy is your focus and that is enough for you.

But I want to make you happy too. Beyond me and how I feel, I hope you understand how much it also means to me to be able to make you happy too.

I am this unexpected thing that has reared its presence in your life. At a time when you are not ready yet, or at least you feel you are not ready.

Embrace me, Tigger. I will not cause you harm.

I still, however, I know, need to let go. You know it too.

This afternoon of lovemaking was amazing. You and I unable to stay away from one another, as if we had not seen each other in years and needed to make up for lost time.

We are both amazed at how the universe has brought us together. I know that and you know that.

You're gorgeous, Tigger. And I welcome you as this bright, shining light in my life, even at this point when I am still wounded and broken.

Magic

There has been a lot of magic in my days here in Bali. Magic that calms my soul and soothes it, gives it peace.

I understand now, its real gift.

Riding pillion into the hills with David, the wind rushing past, people floating by, the sounds, the smells of the countryside have brought me back front and center with the things I have been missing from my life since we gave up Twin Creek and used to spend weekends at the river.

It's as if my soul yearns to be outdoors once more, getting wet and dirty, without a care in the world about staying clean and dry. Abandon is a good thing for the soul.

There is something about being outside. It frees me.

Also something about being away, outside of my own comfort zones, in unfamiliar places. I am liking this. Liking being here in Bali. Liking to some extent that Tigger is far away from me and can only be reached in small doses.

I didn't think I did but I needed this space. I needed it from her, to help us separate and think and contemplate. And miss and yearn and understand what it is to be apart.

Funny isn't it, how I created this space for someone else and it is her that has fallen into it.

The sudden appearance of Marli puzzled me at first, although in the seat of my soul I understood it and even embraced it as something natural that would happen here. She stayed with me for quite a while, now a beautiful black butterfly with yellow stripes on each wing. She played among the aisles of the shop, kissed my hand and flew around me, as if teasing me, goading me into child's play, down and up the narrow aisles. We were at play, she and I. We were at play and in love.

The last two days, in the hills, I have felt my soul free. No longer imprisoned by the love of her, even forgetting how it felt to love her.

I have realised from this whole devastation how fragile love is. It can dissipate at a turn of a phrase, a word, a revelation of an untruth. It is so simple to eradicate.

I cannot now, find any affection for her. No nostalgia, no small part of me still loving her.

I don't know sometimes if it is because I am just lying to myself and that there is a part of me which will love her still. But I have dug a little, beneath the surface. And found nothing.

Ke-Agungan Dia

This time, Bali has been different. Perhaps because I am now vibrating at a different frequency than before.

Magic seems to be everywhere. Riding pillion on a motorbike takes on romantic nuance. Wooden angels hanging in a shop bring the thought of Christmas back into my life and wanting. Marli, now a beautiful butterfly. And tonight, standing in the midst of the mayhem, watching the grotesque Ogoh-Ogoh go by, cymbals clanging, drums beating, the smell of fireworks..

Ke-Agungan Dia tidak dapat ku lupakan semenjak sampai di Bali kali ini. Pagi pertama ku sedar dari tidur dan keluar ke ruang jendela kamar, Agung menunjukkan diri, tetapi secara sembunyi-sembunyi, seolah malu. Tetapi, selang sehari, dia menjelma lagi, kali ini lebih jelas dan terang, terdampar tanpa tersipu-sipu.

Seolah sekarang kerana hati ku telah terbuka, aku dihadiahkan kesemuanya, memanggil-manggil jiwa ku ke sana.

Saya akan menemui mu satu hari nanti.

Tigger

What a surprise you have been.

From the start, you had me with your chivalry and attentiveness, your thoughtfulness and tender ways.

I love that you curl up on the couch with me for hours and run your fingers up and down my arm, reach out and kiss me just because, stroke my cheek, my hair and my body.

In so many ways, you are the lover I have always wanted. The one who cannot go seconds without touching me in tenderness and yearning. The one who tickles my thoughts with ideas and challenges me. Who listens to my blathering. Who is smart. Who is unafraid of me. So unafraid of the me everyone fears.

But yet you fear me for the yearning I give rise to in your self.

I think you and I both know that if we made this work, it could potentially be a relationship of a lifetime. One where two people, best matched in so many ways, come together in love, gentleness and thoughtfulness. In intellect. In laughter.

I wonder sometimes, if we met at the wrong time. But yet I think there is no such thing when something feels so right.

I deserve you. And you deserve me. It's as simple as that.

The Love Of My Old Life

How quickly things can change.

You are now no longer part of my universe. Not even within the hidden crevices of memories of happy things and love long gone.

I remember many things from lovers past. A cold day in winter in someone's arms. Nursing a black eye and curled up on a couch in someone's lap reading Calvin and Hobbes. Stomping in puddles in the rain. Playing footsie on a dorm couch while not watching a movie.

But you. I have erased you from my hard drive. All the photographs of our memories. The only ones left are the ones in my head and those I hope will fade with time.

Goodbye, the one I thought was the love of my life.

Thank you for leaving

You are now definitively the past I wish to forget but know I will not.

I clap my hands in glee now at the openness of your evil. Padan muka! You already know life with the home wrecker is going to be miserable for you. You already hate it. You already know she doesn't do it for you. She never did. She is delusional and you were stupid. Stupid to a fault.

But I thank her for removing you from my life.

For without her I would still be stuck with you like a millstone round the neck of my fate.

My life ahead of me shines brighter than it ever would have with you in it.

And so much fuller of love, light and laughter.

Angels come to me so easily now, without your darkness around.

Leaving me was the biggest mistake of your life, but the best thing that has happened to me.

The You I Want In My Life

This is a post about the you I want in my life.

I do not want you to fill the empty spaces, for I hope that by the time I meet you, I have filled the gaps in my own soul.

Instead, I want you who will love me unconditionally, with passion, tenderness, gentility, generosity, courage, respect and adoration.

You are the one I can lean on.

The one who ignites my fire.

The one who makes my days full and round.

The one with whom I can curl up with anytime, anywhere and not feel like I am invading your space.

The one who will kiss me tenderly and with passion, hold my hand under a table, reach out for me all the time so there is no space for missing.

The one who will love me.

Who will care for me.

Who will be my strength when I am tired, defeated and drawn.

Who will slow down my fire when it is burning too bright.

Who will be the light I come home to and the star that shines my night.

You are intelligent, enlightened, beautiful, kind, honest, generous and loyal.

Evil

I cannot even cry anymore.

I cannot even fathom how you could be so mean and cruel.

I have difficulty even now reconciling who you were and who you are, and accepting that you are one and the same person.

You have lied to me in so many ways, and withheld information, led me on through the years and been downright deceitful.

You are manipulative and evil.

You are not a good person.

These are things I keep telling myself even though there are so many memories of years and years of loving stacked in my head and heart.

You are one of the cruellest human beings I have ever met.

I wish I never knew you, because now even the good is tainted.