Magic

There has been a lot of magic in my days here in Bali. Magic that calms my soul and soothes it, gives it peace.

I understand now, its real gift.

Riding pillion into the hills with David, the wind rushing past, people floating by, the sounds, the smells of the countryside have brought me back front and center with the things I have been missing from my life since we gave up Twin Creek and used to spend weekends at the river.

It's as if my soul yearns to be outdoors once more, getting wet and dirty, without a care in the world about staying clean and dry. Abandon is a good thing for the soul.

There is something about being outside. It frees me.

Also something about being away, outside of my own comfort zones, in unfamiliar places. I am liking this. Liking being here in Bali. Liking to some extent that Tigger is far away from me and can only be reached in small doses.

I didn't think I did but I needed this space. I needed it from her, to help us separate and think and contemplate. And miss and yearn and understand what it is to be apart.

Funny isn't it, how I created this space for someone else and it is her that has fallen into it.

The sudden appearance of Marli puzzled me at first, although in the seat of my soul I understood it and even embraced it as something natural that would happen here. She stayed with me for quite a while, now a beautiful black butterfly with yellow stripes on each wing. She played among the aisles of the shop, kissed my hand and flew around me, as if teasing me, goading me into child's play, down and up the narrow aisles. We were at play, she and I. We were at play and in love.

The last two days, in the hills, I have felt my soul free. No longer imprisoned by the love of her, even forgetting how it felt to love her.

I have realised from this whole devastation how fragile love is. It can dissipate at a turn of a phrase, a word, a revelation of an untruth. It is so simple to eradicate.

I cannot now, find any affection for her. No nostalgia, no small part of me still loving her.

I don't know sometimes if it is because I am just lying to myself and that there is a part of me which will love her still. But I have dug a little, beneath the surface. And found nothing.