Disturbing

Last night I realised you were on my mind. Again. As if the invisible string that still binds us was tugged my your despair.

I thought of you all the way in Cameron Highlands, miserable in the cold that you hate so much. I always wondered whether it chilled you to the bone.

I thought of whether you were now mired in regret, finally coming closer to terms with the magnitude of destruction you caused all on your own. You must be in a deep, dark well now. Deeper and darker than the one you thought you were in when by my side. Then, at least you had me to blame. Me to aim your arrows of anger and frustration at.

Now, you have nothing. I can imagine that she does not come close to being able to understand you, nor relate to you, nor read you. Perhaps I may sell her short, but quite honestly, I don't think she can even dream of beginning to understand where you are from.

Nine years of loving and living with each other, breathing the same air every night, and on most days. Nine years of eating off the same plates, sleeping on the same bed, riding in the same cars, dreaming the same dreams. Nine years of me reaching out to you even in your sleep.

I am starting now to understand how strong that bond is.

I do not want you in my life anymore. Yet I cannot help but feel your emotions. It is disturbing.