Breathe

It seems like life's small calamities are attracted to me, like a magnet that pulls all of life's possible little wrenches into its system and swallows them whole.

I need to learn to calm down and breathe. To not let these things frazzle my silly brain and muddle it with stress about things that are out of my control.

Tigger, you are such a blessing to me, and yet, I feel I fail you most days by not remaining calm enough to face life like a real grown-up and handle all the idiotic trivialities that get in the way of living. It is ME who fails, not you, I wish I could convince you that is my true belief.

I know every time I get stressed out I stress you out and I need to learn to stop doing that. I did it to her and I am doing it to you. I know.

And I must not do it again.

I must learn how to let go. A little madness is sometimes OK.

But on days like this, when I know all depends on me to get something done or fix it, I am at a loss. I just want to scream or summon a genie that will fix everything with a wave of his or her wand. Get the maid. Care for the dogs. Do the laundry. Clean the house. Tell off the idiot Melayu maid agent who talks talks talks and then doesn't deliver. I need someone to fix this all.

I am fraying at the edges.

I am missing out on details.

I have always known I am a calamity. I think you are only now finally beginning to realise the depth of my madness. I hope it doesn't stop you from loving me.

Search

Last night I cried again. Not because I do not love you or you do not love me well enough.

But because I see the possibility of us, beyond what we have now, far beyond.

It's funny. With you so many things seem to fit. Our pasts have slid by each other quietly, almost touching, on the fringes of each other's lives. Yet we never met.

Doesn't that tell you something, Tigger? That there is an inevitability in our meeting and coming together.

I have never fallen in love like this, with someone whom I have so much of a past in common but never met. As if Time played an active hand in ensuring everything was in place before it allowed us to kiss.

Here is what I sense and do not tell you. That you love me more than you know. But until you are ready to realise it for yourself, that I am the life you deserve for yourself, beyond all the people in your life you have decided to be responsible for, until it comes to the surface of your being, I will not give you everything.

I cannot.

I cannot do it one more time with the risk of losing what I know to be my life once more.

I love you but not with every fibre of my being. There are parts of me I will still hold apart from you because you do not deserve them yet.

Someday, I hope you will give me reason to love you completely. The day you decide to build a life with me.

Perhaps that day will never come. While I wish I never see the day when we must part, the probability of it is real for me now.

It will make me sad, but I will survive you.

Because I deserve a life with someone. And so do you. But if you do not see me fit to be that person, then I must go in search of mine.

The Only Thing Left Of Us

It was strange, meeting you again after months. The person I shared a life, a home, a bed with for years. The one I thought would be the one till the day I died. Or you did.

Love, I have realised now more than ever, after this experience with you, is a changeable thing, a fragile creature that morphs and mutates and is fickle. It is not constant.

Today there is a corner of my heart still reserved for you. It holds you close and wishes you well, but does not want to be a part of your joy or pain. It will pity you or rejoice for you, but not be involved. It will gaze at the photograph of your lake but not come close to its edge.

That is the only thing left of us in me.