Miles apart

Is it me or are you just not the right one?

With you, I feel alone, unprotected.

It's true, you and I are new. But what you fail to understand is that in my mind, you are not my life partner. You are still just a girlfriend.

There is a big difference.

The difference is in the places you can go within me, and the places I let you into.

We do not plan for the future together.

I do not depend on you for the running of my household. In the infrequent instances that I do, I know it is a favour that I ask of you.

It is not an assumption of shared responsibility.

In the same way I do not assume any responsibility for your responsibilities. Amelia, your family. I just go along for the ride and lend a helping hand.

We are not joined, our lives. And perhaps that is what I find so discordant about our relationship.

I think I am just impatient. Because for so long now I haven't been in a relationship that is not joined, that has two separate people in it with their very own lives.

I don't know how to do that.

And in fact, I am not sure I want to.

Neither do I want to push you or bring things up and discuss them with you. I am not interested anymore in working that hard.

If you do not understand what it means to build a life together, I do not have the energy to teach you.

I did it once and I will not do it again. That part of me is over and in the past.

I do not want you enough to do this one more time.

I do not love you so much that I cannot live without you. Because from the start, I have known that in order for me to survive you if I need to, I must build barriers of expectation within me.

And now, as time passes, I find the barriers are raising. After the rosy sheen of first romance has wilted, I have willed myself to want you less. And not depend on you more.

Distance, in love, has nothing to do with miles.