Now and then

I am grappling with why i get so upset with you sometimes.

I have separation anxiety. There are days when I am unsettled, or I spend too much time on my own and I yearn for you to soothe and calm me. That you have no idea how frustrates me. That you perhaps lack the patience to do so angers me.

I am so tired of fighting for your attention. Not that you don't give me any. But it's just the wrong kind.

Maybe we are not naturally suited to one another.

There are so many aspects of us that work. All the business aspects of being together - common interests and values, intellect, etc. But at the emotional level we are so wrongly matched at times. You want to be cossetted but do not allow me that luxury. You expect me to be rational at all times.

And when you're too tired to deal with me, you just shut me off so easily.

What is it you do for me that I should be so grateful for? All these grown-up things that other people do or can do? Waking me up because I have a doctor's appointment? Cooking for me?

What I want is someone who will hold me and protect me and tell me everything will be okay. Someone with whom I can curl up and Lick my wounds or make me forget that my life is in limbo. Someone who in my bones I know will share my life with me willingly, without me having to ask or teach or tell.

You, in many ways are not that person. At least, not yet.

You have a cursory idea of my dreams, yet you seem always so flippant about them. It's as if you view them from a very detached, business-like point of view. You are never effusive, even in your praise.

I feel so secondary in your life on some days. The one whom you deal with when everything else is dealt with. When everything is quiet and you are left with a choice between your own company or mine. But even then, you expect me to fit into your shape. If you are tired, you want me to be quiet. If you are frisky, you want me to be a whore.

Otherwise, I am not permitted to seek your compromise.

I am not sure, at times like this, whether it's me or whether you are just wrong for me.

Maybe I need to learn patience. Maybe I need to learn how to overcome my own needs and be self-sufficient.

I tell you now, you may not like the me that emerges. She is distant and cold and secretive.

You don't realise it but we don't have the luxury of the rest of our lives to right this wrong. Soon, I may be gone. And with my absence, patience will fly out the window. I will be more difficult and more emotionally dependent on you. If you cannot cope now, then you cannot cope then.