Last

Every time we fight like this I want to almost kick myself. Instead I cry, and when you leave I feel a sense of relief.

I wonder what this means. Whether it is an indication that it is time I got rid of you from my life.

Why is it so hard for us? This is like the inverse of what things used to be with her. You and I are a fabulous public couple. But more and more I feel our intimacy eroding because I feel its absence and you, from feeling the pressure are retreating. It seems like this is a losing battle, one that we can only win if I learn how to shut out that part of me which yearns for more intimate moments with you.

If I didn't want you or miss you or feel like I needed alone time with you, we wouldn't fight.

But what you don't or refuse to understand is that for me, all this socialising, all this being with people that in your mind counts as us being together, is a huge effort for me. It is not what I particularly treasure as memories of you and I. That I participate should alone indicate to you that I am doing it most of the time for you. That you continue to let me down every time I turn to you for intimacy, and you are never able to put your needs before mine, breaks my heart.

I am through with this.

I am through with being upset with you. I think the only way I can see this going is separation at some point, sadly enough. Because you refuse to see that what I want is not what you are giving. Not because you can't but you won't.

Leave now.

At least until you realise what a hole my absence creates in your life. And you are willing to meet me half way and consider MY needs and desires before yours.

To let me make love to you even when you are tired or don't feel like it, which is virtually all the time.

The same way I drag myself to all your social outings despite my lack of sleep, disinterest in the company and my wanting to just wrap myself around you.

I make time for the things and people in your life.

All I am asking is that you make time for me.

Yet, it seems so hard.

That is why, I know I will always be second best. Or third, or last.

The other lesson I have learned from the past is that whatever hurts me in the beginning is what I will always be glad to be rid of in the end. It doesn't go away. Not unless the other person is willing to change.

But perhaps I shouldn't ask that of you, of anyone.

How do I get rid of this awful feeling in me though?

Sex

I don't know what it is.

I guess when I am in love I just yearn to be intimate with the one I love.

So much that when it is something the other person doesn't share, it aches. A physical pain that wrenches my insides and keeps me awake in frustration.

I was like this years ago and I am still, I find, like this now.

With you, it's become such an issue that even when I am too tired or don't really actually feel like making love, I get annoyed just because we were supposed to four days in a row and have not.

I know that me bringing it up all the time kills things for you.

But I don't know what else I should do besides keep my mouth shut.

Not that I want to do it with anyone else. At times I almost wish I did, so that it would be easier for me to walk away from you or even keep you at arm's length and seek solace in the arms of someone else more willing.

I need to learn how to keep this to myself. Or better still not even let it bother me. Only problem is then I run the risk of not wanting to be intimate with you at all.

I know myself. I think I have a problem.

I don't know where this stems from.

Maybe I have a deep-seated insecurity.

Sex with you used to be an emotionally intense thing. Like what I had with him. But now it almost seems well, not quite mechanical but almost base at times, without the emotional intensity I crave.

I love making love to someone who is all there, in the moment, raw and adventurous, trusting and gentle but firm and wild at times. Someone who craves my touch and lets me know as much as I would.

Someone who would seek me out under a table, next to her in the car, where even if our skin touches a minute fraction of the other's it is enough to keep up wanting one another until we are alone.

Someone who kisses me hard the minute we close the door and takes my clothes off with abandon.

Someone who calls me up and just wants me in the middle of the day for no reason other than that it is raining and she is thinking of me.

Someone who wants me.

I am unhappy on just this front alone. It's funny how finally I think I've found someone who fits all the outside bits of me and yet, at the most intimate level, we don't seem to fit. Not that we are a complete mismatch, but just that our grooves don't align a mere millimeter, which causes the teeth to grate against one another's, grinding each other's down. We are like jagged saws whose bits don't quite fit.

I am so frustrated I have become unreasonable even by my own standards.