Sex

I don't know what it is.

I guess when I am in love I just yearn to be intimate with the one I love.

So much that when it is something the other person doesn't share, it aches. A physical pain that wrenches my insides and keeps me awake in frustration.

I was like this years ago and I am still, I find, like this now.

With you, it's become such an issue that even when I am too tired or don't really actually feel like making love, I get annoyed just because we were supposed to four days in a row and have not.

I know that me bringing it up all the time kills things for you.

But I don't know what else I should do besides keep my mouth shut.

Not that I want to do it with anyone else. At times I almost wish I did, so that it would be easier for me to walk away from you or even keep you at arm's length and seek solace in the arms of someone else more willing.

I need to learn how to keep this to myself. Or better still not even let it bother me. Only problem is then I run the risk of not wanting to be intimate with you at all.

I know myself. I think I have a problem.

I don't know where this stems from.

Maybe I have a deep-seated insecurity.

Sex with you used to be an emotionally intense thing. Like what I had with him. But now it almost seems well, not quite mechanical but almost base at times, without the emotional intensity I crave.

I love making love to someone who is all there, in the moment, raw and adventurous, trusting and gentle but firm and wild at times. Someone who craves my touch and lets me know as much as I would.

Someone who would seek me out under a table, next to her in the car, where even if our skin touches a minute fraction of the other's it is enough to keep up wanting one another until we are alone.

Someone who kisses me hard the minute we close the door and takes my clothes off with abandon.

Someone who calls me up and just wants me in the middle of the day for no reason other than that it is raining and she is thinking of me.

Someone who wants me.

I am unhappy on just this front alone. It's funny how finally I think I've found someone who fits all the outside bits of me and yet, at the most intimate level, we don't seem to fit. Not that we are a complete mismatch, but just that our grooves don't align a mere millimeter, which causes the teeth to grate against one another's, grinding each other's down. We are like jagged saws whose bits don't quite fit.

I am so frustrated I have become unreasonable even by my own standards.