Last

Every time we fight like this I want to almost kick myself. Instead I cry, and when you leave I feel a sense of relief.

I wonder what this means. Whether it is an indication that it is time I got rid of you from my life.

Why is it so hard for us? This is like the inverse of what things used to be with her. You and I are a fabulous public couple. But more and more I feel our intimacy eroding because I feel its absence and you, from feeling the pressure are retreating. It seems like this is a losing battle, one that we can only win if I learn how to shut out that part of me which yearns for more intimate moments with you.

If I didn't want you or miss you or feel like I needed alone time with you, we wouldn't fight.

But what you don't or refuse to understand is that for me, all this socialising, all this being with people that in your mind counts as us being together, is a huge effort for me. It is not what I particularly treasure as memories of you and I. That I participate should alone indicate to you that I am doing it most of the time for you. That you continue to let me down every time I turn to you for intimacy, and you are never able to put your needs before mine, breaks my heart.

I am through with this.

I am through with being upset with you. I think the only way I can see this going is separation at some point, sadly enough. Because you refuse to see that what I want is not what you are giving. Not because you can't but you won't.

Leave now.

At least until you realise what a hole my absence creates in your life. And you are willing to meet me half way and consider MY needs and desires before yours.

To let me make love to you even when you are tired or don't feel like it, which is virtually all the time.

The same way I drag myself to all your social outings despite my lack of sleep, disinterest in the company and my wanting to just wrap myself around you.

I make time for the things and people in your life.

All I am asking is that you make time for me.

Yet, it seems so hard.

That is why, I know I will always be second best. Or third, or last.

The other lesson I have learned from the past is that whatever hurts me in the beginning is what I will always be glad to be rid of in the end. It doesn't go away. Not unless the other person is willing to change.

But perhaps I shouldn't ask that of you, of anyone.

How do I get rid of this awful feeling in me though?