In this new home, much is the same and yet different.

The furniture, their familiar shapes and colours, sit in different spots.  Pictures hang on walls in rooms different from the previous.  Some try to reclaim their old territories by hanging on walls that would have been their equivalent in the old house.

This house, unlike the previous, is like Grand Central station.  People seem to make themselves at home here, causing me to distance myself and not claim ownership of it fully.  I don't like sharing my home and personal space.  This house is anything but personal.  It belongs, sometimes I feel, to everyone.

But it still feels empty, devoid of a soul.  Like an airport or a train station - somewhere to rest.

I don't yet like let alone love it.  It was built out of necessity and practicality as a guide for determining the way it looks and is laid out.

I don't wander its spaces, admiring it with a warm-hearted feeling.

The garden, although large, will take years before it will feel like it is mine.

The only place, the only space that I love is the balcony outside my bedroom.  There, I sit and gaze at stars, search for the moon as I used to in the old house outside.  But without the intermittent zoom of a motorbike or other traffic noises marring the whole experience.  Here I sit, at night, alone, in the company of crickets and birds, the rustling of tree branches and the gently howling wind, and all becomes right in my world.

I wish, at times like this, I could just disappear.

I do not want to be here, I do not want to be near her or anything to do with her.

I wonder whether it is me that has the problem.  Everyone I have dated, I always have an issue sooner or later with their families.

Except maybe Anne's.  With her, it was just Shirl and the demands Shirl made on her.

It seems as if I repeatedly get stuck with people who have the same issues.  It's annoying.

I always seem to date them before they get somewhere.

Well, I am tired.  I want to be with someone who is already well on their way to being the person they are supposed to be.  

I don't know if such a person exists.

Maybe I am better off alone.