I don't think I can live with you anymore

I have to come to terms with what I actually want.

I want you. I want the you that loves me and is committed to me. But I also know that throughout these nine years you have never been able to commit to me the way that I want you to. You have never been able to fence us up and protect us even in hours where everything is a mess.

Those times, those dark moments, all you do is run away until you think I have cleared up the emotional debris and can pretend nothing has happened.

I have them, these suitcases, stowed away in the attic of the house that is us. They gather little dust because from time to time, you drag them out again and disappear.

So I am told, I cannot change you. I cannot. I should stop trying and just accept that this is who you are.

If that is the case, I don't think I can live with you anymore. Not because I don't love you. But perhaps because I love myself more and want what I want first, and more than I want you.