The Light In My life

Increasingly, as I gravitate towards those like me, I discover that they too love someone like you.

Perhaps because we all seek a betterment of ourselves. Someone to fill the gaps and smooth over our rough edges.

You are the light in my life although you do not know it. All the pushing I do, all the relentless nudges, in my mind, I do it for you. I do it because I guess I want to make you a better you.

But the question I now ask myself is - who am I really doing it for? Me?

I want you to be free. Free of the old, heavy suitcases of emotional baggage that you have carried for so long they are now ragged at the seams from being dragged in the dust. I see them trailing their heavy paths behind you. They leave a wider welt than your own gentle footsteps do. They obliterate what you leave behind when you pass by.

And I feel an incredible sadness. A harrowing sense of pain because I think I know the joy of being free. It is stupendous and addictive. It feels like everything and nothing at the same time. Bliss is a state I am in because you are in my life.

It makes me so incredibly sad that you are not the same way too, and because I love you, I guess I desire so strongly to help you get there too.

But I also realise you have to get there in your own time.

The thing I struggle with the most is what that is. That measure of time that it will take for you to find your self and your joy. And I am terrorized by the thought that you may never get there before you depart this earth.

Because the gift you carry within, of this supreme gentleness and kindness is such a precious and rare one.

You are the light in my life because you are gentle and kind and loving and unwavering in your affection. But when I sometimes hold the mirror to your face, all you see is blackness.

I think I have now reached a point in the path to your soul where I can no longer find a way through. And I am lost, for all I long is to reach you in the center of it all.

I guess I have to learn to let you be. Except I would be sad if you misconstrued me as not caring or loving you less.

If anything, I think, in my heart, I actually love you more now. I love you enough to stop knocking at your door. I will just sit here and wait. And if I grow weary of waiting, I will carry your light in my heart and walk away, always one eye to that brambled path, in the hopes that some day I will see you emerge from it whole.

At least, I know that I do this with only the best intent. I may regret it if something untoward happens to you, but right now, at this moment, what I do is with my best intent.

So I am asking you to leave my side, so you may wander far and stray, to find your self.

If you come back to me, I will be blessed. But even if you don't, I know that I have been blessed already with nine years of your loving presence.