My Old Acquaintance

It was so nice seeing you this evening. You and your new boyfriend. And my he is handsome, and so sweet. All the things a girl would want in this city of so limited options. But that notwithstanding, this one seems at first meeting a catch by any standards.

And how I could even see myself dating him, only I would never be that fortunate. Not that I count myself unfortunate in the love department. So far, I've done good.

But I was glad to see you happy. After the past several years of our re-acquaintance, it was nice to see you happy. Well and truly happy and in love and talking about marriage.

I wanted to tell you but somehow stopped myself. I wanted to say to you, after my heartbreak of earlier this year and recovery that no matter what happens with your new man, as long as there is real love while it lasts, it is worth it. Because I look back now on my period of absolute and desolute heartbreak as a blip on the screen. Sure, it left its scars, some that I still deal with and carry with me like a favourite blanket or pillow that despite its ragged appearance still sees exotic new destinations.

But I don't regret those nine years. They were not wasted. I grew within them, found new parts of my self or re-discovered other parts forgotten. I loved, I laughed, I curled myself to sleep each night in love and woke up many mornings grateful for the person next to me.

I am still grateful for the past nine years.

And grateful for the baby I had with another man from decades back.

And thankful I have had the opportunity to love some decent people who have seen it fit to love me back.

I only hope that throughout loving and losing, I have learned a thing or two. And that those lessons have not hardened my heart to the possibility of love when it is before me.

For the worst thing that can happen D, IMHO, is that we close ourselves to love because of our past.

That, I think, would be the worst tragedy of one's life.

Rockette

Sometimes I still think of you. Especially when pieces of she and I don't fit.

More and more I realise you and I had run our course and I don't have any regrets anymore about us ending.

But sometimes I do miss you, and even catch myself saying things you would say.

Sometimes I still want to talk to you. But I hold myself back because of the water that has run under the bridge. The things that have passed between us that make me hesitate and actually doubt I can trust you.

There are parts of me you understand well. Parts that she will not be able to grasp yet.

You know. today she and I had an argument. Actually it started last night. About the dogs again. And today she announced her grandmother was ill. It seems like every time she and I have a blowout something big happens in one of our lives. As if the universe doesn't want to give us a chance to fight and argue and sort things out.

I wonder how things will turn out this time. I know thought that with her it is different. I am quite happy to let her go off into her own world and not bother. Just make my own merry way. I am learning to detach myself from my other halves.

Did you teach me that?

HATE

I am trying to analyse this whole blow-up and figure a way out of it, albeit half-heartedly.

You know how I feel about the way you react to my dogs. I realise we have different values and opinions about them. But respect mine, please.

Already I have barred them from most of the house. Without complaint and full understanding.

You on the other hand, treat them with disdain. Sometimes yes, you play with them. But when they are lurking around the living room, you are constantly yelling at them.

I hate that part of you. I do.

And more and more, I see that perhaps it may be the straw that breaks this fragile relationship.

So much of us is comfortable and fits and is right. The way we entertain and like to be entertained. The way you and I fill in the gaps in each others' lives. My home has become a convenient venue for you to live out your fantasies of entertaining friends and showing off your culinary skills. You love playing host and my home is lovely. I know that. You like having people over because it is good enough.

I know your friends are probably thinking oh how you lucked out with me, this girl with a home where you can play house without strings.

And my friends just think you're plain lovely because you're such a wonderful host.

But truth is, the one thing I cannot change in my life and will not change, you hate.

Despite what you say about my dogs, I know you hate them. Hate the way they have freedom over the household.

Well, my friends like dogs too and will not agree with you. So don't expect any sympathy from them either.

If you cannot put up with them and learn how to live with them and enjoy them, you might as well not live with me.

Go find someone else who has no pets and no responsibilities. Like you. Because unlike what you think in your head, you have none. You assume responsibilities, but from what I've seen, it's all in your head. Your family doesn't make you take them on. You do it on your own volition. You limit your own life.

And the truth is, you assume them because you like them. They make you feel important and needed. Indispensable. Dependable.

All the things you are actually not at this point in your life given the turns you have taken.

You are the go-to person in the lives of your friends and family. They cherish you for that. Not for who you are.

Yes I am being my utmost wicked self.

I hate the you that hates my dogs. HATE.

Unhappy

Seems like I only write in here when I am unhappy about the one I love.

Yesterday you were beastly. Yelling at the dogs and being an ass in front of my friends. It reminded me of how I used to walk on eggshells with the Creature.

I don't like this side of you.

But what you need to learn is that my dogs are non-negotiable. They are as much a part of me as my body, mind and heart. They were there when even my most loved deserted me. They provided living energy in my home when even mine was too weak to fill it.

They will remain, even if you leave. Because in my course of life, perhaps my greatest and longest love to date left. And the dogs stayed.

I will not let you pressure me into parting from them.

Nor will I tolerate you treating then with ill will.

They may not be human, but to me they are at times and in many cases, far better and more honourable than many humans I know.