I Love You

Dearest Tigger

This is our first Chinese New Year.

I cannot help but think how far I have come since the last one. It was an interesting time for me, one where I was grappling with the possibility of being alone once more in my life after such a long, long time.

I know that for you, being alone is easy.

But for me, having been with someone for so long, alone is a frightening thing.

It is less so, now. Not just because I have you, but because I know I can do it. And at times I rather did like it. It allows for magic to occur and pointers to appear. Actually, alone, if I think about it, life is clearer, because the universe takes over and points you in the right direction. And perhaps I am also more willing to see the signs.

With you in my life, I am no longer searching, which is perhaps why I don't see the signs as often.

But this is about you.

I wanted to tell you how much I love you.

If I could embrace you with my heart, my love, I would. Having you in my life fills my heart and makes it beat with purpose.

It makes my life complete.

You make my life complete.

I wish there was a word stronger than love to express how I feel, but I do not know it.

You are my life, light and happiness.

I love you.

Blessing

I just finished watching Eat, Pray, Love.

It's funny how in some ways things in the movie resonated with me.

I told Tigger today that I fear I do not know how to be with myself. Because I guess, I now have her, to fill the gaps and spaces and round me out.

I couldn't explain it and there it was, in this movie.

Here is my life thus far - I have loved and lost more than once, and I fear that this time I will lose it again. Perhaps because it is inevitable.

But I should instead focus on the journey, on the moment and not on the eventuality of things.

That is what I know but sometimes forget.

I have been thinking on and off about the meeting with Faber and KC at Hutch's party. It's one of those moments when you just connect with someone and you understand plain as day why they are there in your life, right at that moment.

I had been feeling doubts about the resort. About things in general, although quite honestly, I have no reason to do so. I still have those passing doubts now about Tigger and I. And that is why meeting Faber has been important.

He has reminded me that what I need to do is to tell the universe what I want. And to truly believe that I want it. To turn things on their head and actually commit myself to the universe and believe that it will bring me what I want.

Forget logic.

Just believe.

The movie reminded me of the magic of Bali. Of the things that I felt while there and how it healed me. And how I now have Tigger in my life like a blessing.

Alone

It is almost Chinese New Year again.

This time last year, I was with two people who were equally in need of company, on a journey that was undetermined in shape and form except for its destination. I celebrated Valentine's Day hoping an old love would be rekindled.

It was actually a really nice Chinese New Year. One filled with adventure and new places, people and things. One where I took lots of moments out to be grateful for the people in my life.

Today, Tigger went home. And I am faced with the prospect of spending the next few days on my own, to fill as I please. One half of me is inclined to let them remain empty, except for my own company and the doing of little things to pass the time. Being a sloth is sometimes a good thing.

But more than that, I am wondering how I would weather this storm alone. Because a part of me does wonder whether I can actually be alone, push comes to shove.

As much as Tigger assures me, and I don't even doubt she means every word, I know now how the heart can change and desert you. And I want to know that I can live alone if I have to.

I am actually feeling too darned lazy to go out.

I don't particularly yearn for the company of anyone else except Tigger. But I know she is in a better place at the moment - among family, celebrating a tradition that is core to who and what she is. I am truly happy for her, that she may have this very special moment to cherish and space to create new memories that will layer themselves one upon the other.

I don't feel there is space for me in it, but it is not her doing, rather mine.

I voluntarily stay away.

Outside, traffic still sounds heavy. I am waiting for the quiet. I yearn for it in some ways. The emptiness it brings. The contemplation it forces.