Alone

It is almost Chinese New Year again.

This time last year, I was with two people who were equally in need of company, on a journey that was undetermined in shape and form except for its destination. I celebrated Valentine's Day hoping an old love would be rekindled.

It was actually a really nice Chinese New Year. One filled with adventure and new places, people and things. One where I took lots of moments out to be grateful for the people in my life.

Today, Tigger went home. And I am faced with the prospect of spending the next few days on my own, to fill as I please. One half of me is inclined to let them remain empty, except for my own company and the doing of little things to pass the time. Being a sloth is sometimes a good thing.

But more than that, I am wondering how I would weather this storm alone. Because a part of me does wonder whether I can actually be alone, push comes to shove.

As much as Tigger assures me, and I don't even doubt she means every word, I know now how the heart can change and desert you. And I want to know that I can live alone if I have to.

I am actually feeling too darned lazy to go out.

I don't particularly yearn for the company of anyone else except Tigger. But I know she is in a better place at the moment - among family, celebrating a tradition that is core to who and what she is. I am truly happy for her, that she may have this very special moment to cherish and space to create new memories that will layer themselves one upon the other.

I don't feel there is space for me in it, but it is not her doing, rather mine.

I voluntarily stay away.

Outside, traffic still sounds heavy. I am waiting for the quiet. I yearn for it in some ways. The emptiness it brings. The contemplation it forces.