Strangled

I feel the specter of strangulation looming over me. The dark hands of loving you.

I keep trying to figure out what it is that upsets me so much. This thing I cannot put a finger on, this feeling that we are not the kind of couple I want us to be, or I want for me and an other half in my life.

I know that with you, we will always be the negotiable factor and secondary in your life. The one that can be put aside first until things settle down, which in my mind will be never, or at least until our parents leave this earth and our family members are settled in their own lives.

Maybe it is wrong for me to think that way. Maybe I shouldn't ever expect too much from a relationship with another woman, or a woman like you.

Maybe I am just impatient.

Maybe, I was not made to share my life with someone. Or that you and Creature are right, and that I can only be with someone who can remain committed to me wholeheartedly - and the truth is that no one can meet that standard.

I do not want you to be unhappy. I think I can actually be happy on my own, free from the encumbrances of someone else's family.

What is it that makes me so insecure about us? Maybe it is the way I feel, solely, that causes this rift.

I don't know anymore.

All I know is that without you, I feel freeer, unfettered, and calmer.

Your presence only serves to provoke all sorts of negative feelings and thoughts that I don't want to have, but can't help.

I am so tired. Tired of fighting and feeling this way and trying to battle my own feelings because they are not right. At least according to you.

I need to drown out the white noise. Last night I spread myself out on the large bed, and actually enjoyed sleeping alone. Without you. I slept well, you were in my dreams, on the fringes. Just like I feel you are in my life.

We are separate units. Not one. I don't know how to explain that to you, because your definition of togetherness is different. It is not something I agree with at all.

I don't know if I want that in my life. Really.