Loving You

Loving you is different. Sometimes I wonder if I am more in love with the idea of you than you yourself. That is the bare, naked, raw truth.

You're not like her in the nicest of ways. Yet there was something about her that endeared her to me. She was not as great a person, not in the ways that the world may judge superficially.

You, on the other hand, are. You are sociable, a great hostess, and you have a wonderful family who are very hospitable to me. Unlike her and hers.

Yet, somehow with you, I don't feel as much. Perhaps because I don't allow myself to. Many times I have missed you when you are not around. But there is also a part of me that welcomes the absence. Because it gives me the space to do what I want, how I want to. I don't feel the need to be around you all the time.

Neither are you integral to my life, at least not yet. I don't stay up wondering what it would be like to survive you. I somehow know I can.

Maybe it's just me and where I am now in my life. After the Apocalypse of her departure, I have found myself once more. I almost believe on some days that I could actually be happy on my own. Of course life would be more complete with someone to share it with. But there are times when I could be completely happy being single, in the company of loved ones. There are moments when I feel I don't need a loved one.

I am beginning to wonder if I am fatally attracted to people who will not do well. Or are not doing well. Illness. I am attracted to illness. But Anne wasn't like that. Neither was Todd. So why you, right after her?

I feel on some days the possibility of the same old burden collapsing onto my shoulders. I refuse to let it. I will not make your problems mine. Which is why I suppose I try or at least am happy to have a certain level of disconnect from you. We don't share a life together. We share time.

There are days when I wonder whether I actually do love you.

Or whether I am just enamoured by the idea of being with someone like you.

Except the you I would like you to be is someone you are not. At least not now.