Giving Up

Last night we fought again.

I am so tired of wanting you and knowing you do not want me.

I don't know what else to say.

That you know it is important to me, but you don't seem to place priority on the issue is just to me, plain bullshit.

If you cared for me enough, you would listen, and I mean really listen, to what I have to say and take concrete steps to rectify the issue.

But instead you just say you're trying, in general terms, without any specificity, and ask me to have faith.

Well, it's been a year and a half.

And it's getting worse. Now the presence of someone else in too close proximity, on top of your lack of sleep, tiredness, stress, worries and God knows what else is also an issue. And you don't like me making love to you. You only like it one way.

I don't know if I can live like this. Or want to. Seriously.

I don't like the fact that each night I apparently make you suffer, fearing what will happen if you just turn around and fall asleep. I suppose you don't choose to count the many, many nights when I just bite my tongue and wish that one day you will do things my way.

Actually, I feel downright ridiculous to be even arguing about something like this.

It's almost insulting to me, to have to ask you all the time. Like some beggar. Like I'm desperate. Like I have no choice.

It's come to the point where I almost wish I didn't want you. And to tell you the truth, the sex isn't even that good anymore, both of us tense, wondering if the other is upset or even wants to be there in the first place.

I know there are a lot of things going on that don't help the situation. I know that. I am not stupid.

But especially when I am stressed, I yearn for affection, or someone to soothe me, and tell me everything is OK, and beyond that, make me feel that I am powerful and desirable and someone worth loving.

Maybe I should just learn not to depend on you for even that. Like I do not for everything else.

I recognise this feeling. This holding back that prevents me from asking you whether you can help me or assist me or accompany me. I knew it with Todd, and I know it so well with you.

You say you help. But I don't know how to explain how I feel. That till today I still don't feel we function as a unit. That you and I have separate lives.

Maybe that's what you want. Maybe I am wrong to want something different.

Maybe my lesson in life is to learn how to go it alone.

It's not so bad, really. I know I can do it. I just wish I had an other half who was supportive in the true sense, picking me up when I am tired, instead of just saying there, there, rest a while. Someone who will hold my hand when I think I am too tired to trudge up that hill. Like that guide on the mountain.

I want to just let go. Be cared for. For a little while.

And not have to worry about someone else, or look after them.

I give up.