Let You Go

I do miss you tremendously.

There are times like this when I just want to curl up in your arms and sleep.

I miss your tenderness and your care and concern.

I see that you reach out to me from beyond the fog of your life and try to be there for me. I do see it.

But I guess sometimes my impatience overwhelms you.

I need to pull back. Not let my feelings harm you anymore. Not let my own keenness to be with you and be one with you impede your own process of self-healing.

I need to let you go.

I let you go. I let you go. I let you go. I let you go.

I love you and therefore I have let you go. I pray that come back to me whole, or on the road to getting there.

I Need To Be

You have gone to Somalia again.

Just because you get to that wicked place that you think is some sort of ill-fitting sanctuary and you feel it's OK to leave your real life behind.

I know that you think it's OK to behave the way you do and not call me or reach out to me.

I know that you probably feel like you are too overwhelmed all of a sudden.

I hope you wonder why.

I think you still love me but are afraid of your own feelings. The depth and breadth of them and their enduring quality.

You thought it was easy for you to walk away but it isn't right?

Still, you are steeling your mind to block it all out.

I am sending you loving vibes and will do so all week. Until you come back here.

I know that you will come back because you don't have a choice. Because you know that your life is here and this is your home and the place where you can feel calmest if you will allow your self to get here.

Here is your sanctuary where you can really, truly be who you are. No walls, no barriers.

I need to be stronger. I need to not need you.

I need to really let you go.

I need to let you be.

I need to not even want you so actively.

I need to be patient.

I need you to find me once again all on your own.

I need to be that calm, quiet light in the background that keeps shining even under blankets and pillows, under stone, rock and tree. No ocean will dim me.

I still love you. I do. But I do not want the bits of you that make me mad and frustrate me.

I do not want the bits of you that are mean to me and treat me badly.

I only want the bits of you that are nice to me and treat me with the decency I deserve.

I just want you to know how much I love you. Really, truly realise how much I love you.

I will not tell you what I think of her.

I will not tell you how much I love you anymore.

I will just show you by being there and keeping my distance and giving you as much space as you require to find your way back to me.

I will be that one person, that one place where you can be truly honest and pure and good and kind and sincere.

I will keep taking you back into my arms.

I will keep loving you.

I will.

Because I do love you.

I do.

But when you overstep boundaries I will let you know.

Prayer

Dear God

Give me the strength to love her. To be patient and strong while she heals.

Help her find her way back to me.

I know in my heart this love is for a lifetime. Yet, I have so much doubt.

I still want her as my life partner, of that I am certain. But I want her only when she is happy again with herself, so she can see clearly how she loves me. And how I love her.

Give me the wisdom to know when I am placing expectations on her that I should not. Grant me the clarity of heart to know that she is doing all she knows and all she can to be a better person for both herself and me.

I love her, God. I do. I will be there for her if you let me.

Please, bring her back to me.

I Do Love You

I do love you but it wavers.

I want you, that is for sure. I am physically attracted to you and I know you are to me. And I feel that you actually love me, deep, down inside but you cannot face it because the thought of our love, its depth and breadth frightens you. You who has never believed she could love someone for a lifetime.

I know what I must exercise is patience. Patience to let you grow and spread your wings and be strong again on your own two feet so hopefully you will love me back with your whole being.

You are broken now, and I think I have had some hand in it. My intensity, my desire to get to the bottom of things and fix them has in some way cracked your strength and self-belief, what little of it you had.

I feel I need to be strong for us both still, even though you wish I wouldn't.

So perhaps, I need to lean on her a little, so she gives me the borrowed strength to see you and me through this long, dark tunnel that even you do not realise we are in.

I love you and I think always will in some way. If I stop loving you it will be because you choose to walk away from me and from us. I try but I cannot stop loving you.

I try. I do.

I exercise patience but resent it. I think if I am to last in this quest for our togetherness once more, I must let it go, this resentment, this expectation I have of you.

I must learn to accept you as you are. And either be happy with it or leave.

We are not done yet.

I Hate You

I almost hate you.

Even though I love you, you don't have the courtesy to even treat me the way I deserve. You think your way is good enough and you believe that all you do is enough. You refuse to listen and consider that your way is manipulative, that you only do things to the extent that it doesn't inconvenience your heart.

Basically, you love me but you couldn't be bothered to even work on us. Which leads me to think hey, you actually don't love me. Not really. You just love me because I am convenient.

And you can tell me that you know what heartbreak feels like. So I guess I am supposed to surmise that your heart right now is not broken.

That's a bitter, bitter pill for me to swallow, but from your callousness and your lack of care, I am only left with this belief.

And when I look back, although I see times of loving, those who love me also remind me of the gaps, the gaping holes where you left me wanting and wishing you could only love me back the way I wanted. And I realise that perhaps you are not capable. Because you only want to love and live on the surface of things, without delving too deep. Without it causing you any pain whatsoever.

I hope that someday soon, you will feel the absence of me, and what a gaping chasm it creates in your life. You will wake up and recognise how much I really loved you, and you will mourn the loss of me in your life.

I want you to feel the pain.

I want you to fall down that deep, black hole and crawl back to me with your remorse.

I want you to understand how much you have hurt me.

I hate you.

Mean

You don't get to do this anymore. Ask me how I am and then snap at me because you are tired or you have some other drama playing in your head that has nothing to do with me.

I don't care, really. I don't care about anything to do with you that has nothing to do with me and us. Actually, I don't care if it doesn't concern me.

You fucked up your own life and mine. You know that in your head. Yet your heart still doesn't get it. Because if it did, it would walk away in shame and not dare do anything else to me that is bad.

Yet, I am still the recipient of your meanness. I am at once your punching bag and your security blanket.

Well fuck you.

You destroy whatever tenderness I feel towards you with so little words.

I deserve the best part of you. And all I have been getting these last few years is the worst.

You don't deserve me.

Patience

Today I want you to come back to me one day in the not-too-distant future, except happy and whole.

If it means you must go there, explore that newly cut trail that holds uncertainty as to where it will lead, then I guess I must let you go. Let you go in all thought, feeling and deed. I must stop.

I must stop trying to be there for you. Instead, I will just be. A figure in the periphery of your life, someone bright and shining, of whom you will always think of fondly as the one you should have loved for all time.

I must stop feeling anger for this woman who has caused me hours and days and weeks and months of pain and anguish. Because you are both weak and lost and confused. Because you are both unhappy. You are drawn to one another like hurt animals.

I know you. I know where you are. I must stop trying to help you out. I must let you do it in your own time and give you the space.

Perhaps I may discover I don't really love you after all. That I am in love with the possibility of you, and that this tarnished, deeply cracked you who stands before me today is never going to be whole.

Show me who you are once more.

Show me who you can be.

I will be here, waiting.

But in the meantime, I must bury all my love for you. Deep beneath the earth, where even roots of trees cannot find you, so that you will not hurt me anymore. I will relegate you to the lost pages of old journals that I have not and will not read for years and years to come. There, you will lie, until you come back to me whole.

I know that you still seek me out. That there is a part of you which loves me. Perhaps I think that it is impossible for you not to love me. That is a dangerous belief. I must let that go.

Because why wouldn't you want me over her? I am far more beautiful and of your world. Unlike this woman who doesn't even have a nice face to begin with, who looks as if she would just devour you whole with her clinginess and manipulation.

But I judge her.

I think, I should not give her so much power.

She is instead a weakling, a woman who cannot help herself. Who needs someone to cling to even if it is you in all your weakness.

Let her.

I will hold you instead with a fine, invisible thread that I hope will keep you tethered to me until the day you realise you don't need it anymore and only want to be in my arms, beside me.

Dear God, grant me the patience and the will to see this through.

Deserving Me

You are right. You do not deserve me.

You are weak and could not bring your self to work on the issues we faced together. Instead, you have chosen to walk away.

You do not deserve me.

I may not have shown you love the right way, but I tried. I poured myself into you and into us when all you did most of the time was just hide.

Maybe I am too strong a light for you that I blind your eyes.

Maybe it is time I took this light away so you can finally learn how to see in the dark and realise how much less attractive life is without me.

But maybe you already can and you like it.

In which case, I shouldn't be yearning for you anymore. Because I am someone who lives in the light.

Right

Yesterday you looked me in the eye and said that you still had feelings for me.

It seemed a little reluctant.

But wait. I judge you by my standards.

You did, over the last two days, show me a side of you that was willing and cooperative and helpful, all without me asking.

You did, tell me this evening you were going there.

You did sound sincere.

I hope I read you right.

Fear

I hope you are truthful to your self and us tonight and throughout this weekend.

I wish you would actually do some real, painful work on your self and figure out what you want. At least then it would help me either move on or find the courage to stay and hold your hand through the storm.

I don't want to think about it, what could happen, what you're doing.

I don't.

But I can't help wonder whether you realise how much fear and doubt you are causing me.

Perhaps I should turn the tables on you and make you realise what the consequences of your actions are on my love towards you.

Every time you do something that makes me feel afraid, it makes me want to shut my heart to you so you can stop hurting it.

I have so little courage now to keep us going alone. I need you with me, to help you and me and us weather this storm.

She

My gut is never wrong.

I don't know if you enjoy the attention. I should ask you.

I hope now you see clearly. I hope your heart does not waver. I hope you stay true to us.

It is clear to me that she has feelings for you. I don't trust her more than I do not trust you. Because she is lonely and doesn't know the real story of us, the history of us and because she is who she is.

If she were a real friend who had no self interest in the matter, she wouldn't be calling you all the time and trying to get you this damned interview. She wants you there with her. I hope you can see that.

I hope you come home early.

Leaving You

I keep telling myself to be patient. That you need time and space to mend and be on your own and realise how much you love me.

But I guess by nature I am impatient and would like to see some more immediate action from you. Some small sign that shows how much you care, or if you even care at all.

These are the moments when I resent the fact that I love you. And it distances me from you in the most insidious, minute ways.

I want you, but I want the you who first fell in love with me.

I still don't see her.

Perhaps my heart should just decide to leave you already.

New Beginnings

Tonight the anger disappeared.

All I wanted to know was whether I still had a piece of your heart.

I believe that you still love me but cannot commit the way I want you to. And I understand that.

I will give you the space to heal your self and become strong again. But meanwhile, thank you for letting me love you still.

I just pray you don't let anyone else in.

I feel so at peace now with the whole affair.

I still fear you may wander.

I hope you don't.

I hope you will grow strong once more and learn that love is something that doesn't leave you easily once it is embedded in your heart. It grows, whether you like it or not.

Hang on tight, my love. Unfurl your wings and come back to me.