Letter To The Homewrecker

I wanted to write to you and tell you how I feel.

I know you probably don't care, judging from your actions thus far, but this is important to me as part of my healing.

I am very disappointed in you although I do not know you. For someone who has been on the receiving end of a cheating spouse you have shown little regard for my marriage. Do not pretend you were not aware of the consequences of your actions early on in your acquaintance with my loved one. Do not pretend you didn't know what you were doing.

You can try to stretch the moral boundaries to justify your actions. But the truth will not change. You played a huge part in causing a great schism between me and her, and destroying the marriage and life we built together for nine years. I am not saying she is not equally to blame. I do not make excuses for her. But I also know the part you played.

It is not my place to forgive you. You will have to face the Creator in the end for the sins you have committed against me and the love she and I built.

You think you know her but you don't. This is the problem with women like you. You have no idea what you are getting into. You preyed on her weakness and think you can actually make things better for her. You have no idea what you are dealing with.

Let me tell you. She and I have a bond that is stronger than anything you have with her now. You know that. But what you don't know is that you have not even come close to seeing the real her. The side of her that is capable of inflicting deep hurt on the one she loves most. She is a broken bird who is in deep denial about the extent of her injuries. Her wounds run so deep even I cannot see their sources. Neither can she.

I know why she gravitates towards you. A lot of it has to do with the fact that you constantly keep reaching out to her. And you are new and with you she can still conceal the dark side of her. She may have told you how she treated me, but I know she didn't tell you everything. She didn't tell you that she has spoken loving words to me and expressed her deep love for me since we have separated. She didn't tell you that she and I have been intimate with one another as recently as three days ago.

There is a lot she didn't tell you and perhaps never will.

But you refuse to see. In your own greed and selfishness, you have chosen to wrench her from her life, this one, the one that suits her better and that she herself has spent time and effort building. You leave a trail of tasteless cookie crumbs, in the hopes she will follow and fall into your cauldron of wicked treachery.

If she goes to you, she will lose the greatest love she will ever know for the rest of her life. I know that. I know because of the sacrifices I have made for her willingly, and the things she and I have been through.

If she goes to you, you and her will implode. Because any relationship built on the lies and deception that yours and hers has been built on cannot last.

Then again, if she has decided to stoop to your level now, then perhaps you both belong together. At least this way, there will be two less people like yourselves, who have so little regard for other people, that are likely to go out there and hurt good people like me.

Someone like you will never find peace, because the only way you seek it is through evil intent toward someone else.

That is why I will never seek revenge for what you have done to me. Because I know that in the end, I will lead a happy and full life.

You, on the other hand, will not.

This is the path you have chosen for yourself. Deal with it.

Goodbye

Dear Anim

I am almost ready now I think to say goodbye to you. I am standing at the threshold, still with a backward glance, towards the nine years we shared together, the love we built and nurtured and I believe still sits in some corner of our hearts.

I thought you were the love of my life. I guess I was wrong.

A part of me still wonders if the future holds any space for you and me in togetherness. I cannot think of any other future for us other than that. At this point I do not think we can ever be just real friends. Real friends, the kind who are honest with each other and nurture each other with courage and love.

I never want to be just an acquaintance to you because I know I will see through your mask of deception.

I think you are in a dark place now, one where you cannot even accept the bastard you have become.

Right this moment, in my calm, I can forgive you still of the hurt you have caused me. Really forgive you, without need for justification of your actions. I can accept you have treated me with little respect and I attribute it to your current weakness of spirit and long-standing weakness of character.

I cannot, however, be strong enough to see you through this. I must now stay away to protect myself from anymore hurt before I begin to hate you.

I went through the house again today and there are less and less traces of you. Sometimes it amazes me how easy it has been to make the parts of you that are physical disappear from here without changing the basic outlook of our home.

It is solely my home now. You have chosen to leave it.

Just as you through your refusal to make a decision have left me and us.

I accept that you have done this to me and us. I am disappointed, but I accept that it has happened.

Now, the hard part for me begins. The moving on and learning to forget you and all the parts of you that I love so that I do not miss you so much.

I cannot think of the loving without pain and yearning so I will not. Perhaps not for a long, long while.

I cannot even at this point wish you well in all sincerity.

I want you to feel the pain, not because you put me through it but because I want you to know in the core of your being what you have left behind and abandoned. It was a beautiful thing. A thing so rare on this earth that many lead lonely lives without.

You did not treasure it enough to hold it close to you and protect it. You threw it away in your moments of weakness. Then retrieved it from the trash when you felt alone and abandoned, caressed it for a moment and then discarded it once more, hurling it against the wall.

But it did not break, did it? It cannot break because it something solid and true.

But you don't know that. Not yet.

Some day you will understand deep in your heart what you have given up. I wonder now whether it will be too late.

Devil

I am so torn when you are with me these days. Torn between wanting to sink into the familiarity of your presence and yet holding back because I don't want to get used to it too much. Because I know that I need to be able to survive when you are not here.

And the possibility of you exiting my life is real.

Last night, we slept in the same bed after more than a month. And I felt distanced from you, as if we were in separate rooms. The closeness did not reach my heart.

I think you were floating somewhere far away. You are away today. You may be away for a while.

I think you are confused. Still hiding.

I guess I have to decide. Decide what I will do with myself.

I want to be there for you, but I am so afraid I will harm myself in the process.

I guess I need to learn to be apart from you. To be my own person and not wrap my days and hours around your presence or absence. Learn how to take your presence when it is there as a bonus, a gift for a particular day. And enjoy it.

And not miss it too much when it is gone.

I guess I need to learn how to love you less intensely, but instead with a slow, constant burn that doesn't waver too much.

Maybe it is because now I am never sure whether you are coming or going.

Although, when I look at the sum of things, the chances, I know, of us working out once more are there and I dare say rather good. You and I feel tethered to one another somehow. Bound. But I guess now is the time when I need to exercise patience and give you and us and me some space so we can come together stronger in our loving.

God, I hope it is soon. I don't know how much longer I can last like this. I fear that Devil card I saw in my Tarot reading although I know it was upside down.

I fear June.

I fear you leaving me in the end. I fear our love leaving our hearts.

I fear you becoming just another Anne.

I fear I will lose what we have. Or have we lost that already?

Deep

Hi Baby

In the spaces of your absence, I guess if I am to look for solace, I should write.

Yesterday and today, I cannot help but hope. Hope that your heart will now have the courage slowly to stay true to you and me. I am so scared, baby, that you will leave me again.

Not that you have come back. We are in a weird state of limbo now, where we are together in our hearts and little else.

I believe you know now what you just walked away from. It hit you yesterday, square between the eyes.

I hope that after yesterday you will stay true. Stay here, in this space that belongs to just you and me and no one else.

I am, however, proud of you. Proud that you have resisted the temptation of this woman thus far. I am amazed, in fact. Amazed you have not fallen. You are stronger than even I thought you could be. And that is what makes me hopeful you will come back to our life.

I almost want to say that I know you will come back. I want you to come back. I want you here with me, by my side, in our life together.

I love you baby, in the deepest way.

Fuck Off

So you sent SL an FB msg saying that it was a nightmare and the house was in a mess anyway.

How dare you. How dare you when you know you were part of the problem.

I hate you on some days and this is one of them.

You are inconsiderate, juvenile and immature.

I don't know why I love you.

I shouldn't because you're not worth it.

You do not deserve me.

I am letting you go. I am letting you go completely.

Goodbye.

From now on, it's just the dogs that tie us together.

If you want to be part of the company, pull your fucking weight. I am not your mother.

Alone

I hope someday soon you will see that the real problem, the root of all the hurtful, mean and cruel things we have done each other is her.

If she was your real friend, she would not have called you five, six times a day on the pretext of just chatting with you. Even when she knew she was causing a problem between us.

If she was a real friend she would not have asked you to go to JB and offer you her bed.

If she was a real friend she would not hate me, because she doesn't know me and I have done nothing to her.

If she was a real friend she would be helping you get back on your feet for the long-term, and not get in the way of your happiness. Instead, she offers you a part-time job, lures you to the temptation of starting a new life, away from resolving the issues of your old one.

If she was your real friend, Anim, she would not do these things.

Instead,

She would have stopped calling you.

She would not have asked you to come to JB, but instead offered to speak to me.

She would not have let you sleep in her bed because she would know how that would look, and know how that would have made me feel.

She would not have sent you that SMS.

She wants to destroy us, Anim. Why can't you see?

Or perhaps you do see and it is an easy and convenient way for you to end this. Even though a big part of you still loves me and wants me in your life. Maybe you are too overwhelmed by the problem. But can't you see that I am still here and still standing by you, willing to be the rock you lean on as you traverse the valley?

I think it's enough. Enough of me trying.

It's time I left you alone in darkness so you can perhaps adjust to the lack of light and begin to see what really lurks in the corners of her heart.

Missing

I feel a bad day coming on.

I have been feeling the loss of you since last night.

I can't quite put my finger on it, what it is that I miss.

I guess I miss the parts of you that were kind and gentle and loving.

I Love You Still

My love

I pray that you will see over this week what this woman has done to you. She has turned you into a monster. She has become the source of your undoing. She is not helping you. She is making your whole world turn off kilter. She is the bad one, not me.

So stop hurting me. Give in to the feelings I know you still have for me. They are what is stopping you from doing the wrong thing.

I know you love me still, although you don't want to admit it even to your self. I know you hurt me because you still love me and cannot forgive yourself for what you have done to me. Because people who love each other don't do that, right?

I know you need time and space to rediscover your joy in life and what we had and what we can still have.

I give you that space. I will set you free. I have freed myself from the tyranny of things that were wrong with our love and I wish you would do the same. Stop doing the things that hurt you and me. Just love. Love yourself, love me and love us for what we can become in the coming years of our lives.

Don't worry whether or not we will be together. The universe will take care of it all.

I still love you despite all your wrongdoings. Someday you will see that and realise, hopefully soon, before too much damage is done, before my heart is closed to you, that you and I are meant to be together, and that you are actually in love with me. That your demons are only yours alone and not created by our union.

I know you are in your cave now to heal, because that is the way you are.

I will give you that time and space to be alone. It is the least I can do for you.

I love you, still.

Prayer

Dear God

Please bring her back to me whole and happy.

Make her see what this woman is doing to her. Make her stop hurting me and us. Make her see with clarity who the real enemy is.

A part of me wants her back. But only if she is happy and whole and sure. In the meantime, all I want is some semblance of her in my life as we both go out and discover who we each truly are and what we want in life.

I promise I will leave myself open to possibilities of love with others.