Goodbye

Dear Anim

I am almost ready now I think to say goodbye to you. I am standing at the threshold, still with a backward glance, towards the nine years we shared together, the love we built and nurtured and I believe still sits in some corner of our hearts.

I thought you were the love of my life. I guess I was wrong.

A part of me still wonders if the future holds any space for you and me in togetherness. I cannot think of any other future for us other than that. At this point I do not think we can ever be just real friends. Real friends, the kind who are honest with each other and nurture each other with courage and love.

I never want to be just an acquaintance to you because I know I will see through your mask of deception.

I think you are in a dark place now, one where you cannot even accept the bastard you have become.

Right this moment, in my calm, I can forgive you still of the hurt you have caused me. Really forgive you, without need for justification of your actions. I can accept you have treated me with little respect and I attribute it to your current weakness of spirit and long-standing weakness of character.

I cannot, however, be strong enough to see you through this. I must now stay away to protect myself from anymore hurt before I begin to hate you.

I went through the house again today and there are less and less traces of you. Sometimes it amazes me how easy it has been to make the parts of you that are physical disappear from here without changing the basic outlook of our home.

It is solely my home now. You have chosen to leave it.

Just as you through your refusal to make a decision have left me and us.

I accept that you have done this to me and us. I am disappointed, but I accept that it has happened.

Now, the hard part for me begins. The moving on and learning to forget you and all the parts of you that I love so that I do not miss you so much.

I cannot think of the loving without pain and yearning so I will not. Perhaps not for a long, long while.

I cannot even at this point wish you well in all sincerity.

I want you to feel the pain, not because you put me through it but because I want you to know in the core of your being what you have left behind and abandoned. It was a beautiful thing. A thing so rare on this earth that many lead lonely lives without.

You did not treasure it enough to hold it close to you and protect it. You threw it away in your moments of weakness. Then retrieved it from the trash when you felt alone and abandoned, caressed it for a moment and then discarded it once more, hurling it against the wall.

But it did not break, did it? It cannot break because it something solid and true.

But you don't know that. Not yet.

Some day you will understand deep in your heart what you have given up. I wonder now whether it will be too late.