Devil

I am so torn when you are with me these days. Torn between wanting to sink into the familiarity of your presence and yet holding back because I don't want to get used to it too much. Because I know that I need to be able to survive when you are not here.

And the possibility of you exiting my life is real.

Last night, we slept in the same bed after more than a month. And I felt distanced from you, as if we were in separate rooms. The closeness did not reach my heart.

I think you were floating somewhere far away. You are away today. You may be away for a while.

I think you are confused. Still hiding.

I guess I have to decide. Decide what I will do with myself.

I want to be there for you, but I am so afraid I will harm myself in the process.

I guess I need to learn to be apart from you. To be my own person and not wrap my days and hours around your presence or absence. Learn how to take your presence when it is there as a bonus, a gift for a particular day. And enjoy it.

And not miss it too much when it is gone.

I guess I need to learn how to love you less intensely, but instead with a slow, constant burn that doesn't waver too much.

Maybe it is because now I am never sure whether you are coming or going.

Although, when I look at the sum of things, the chances, I know, of us working out once more are there and I dare say rather good. You and I feel tethered to one another somehow. Bound. But I guess now is the time when I need to exercise patience and give you and us and me some space so we can come together stronger in our loving.

God, I hope it is soon. I don't know how much longer I can last like this. I fear that Devil card I saw in my Tarot reading although I know it was upside down.

I fear June.

I fear you leaving me in the end. I fear our love leaving our hearts.

I fear you becoming just another Anne.

I fear I will lose what we have. Or have we lost that already?