DIsappointments

I am in two minds.

I don't know, at moments like this, what I want. To be near you or not at all.

I keep thinking of her. How she sometimes out of the blue used to tell me how pretty I am. Or that she loved me, without me having to ask. And those moments, I can still recall so clearly, the look in her eyes, how they lit up with love.

I cannot think of when you've looked at me that way. Or perhaps I am not fair. You have, except it's always when we are out or you are drinking. Never when we are alone or together at home or falling asleep in bed, dreaming our dreams and laughing at our own silly jokes.

You and I have good times. I think there is room for us to grow together.

But at the same time, there doesn't seem to be any room for me or you to be dissatisfied. I don't think it's about changing the other person, but perhaps more about coming to the middle. The center of what you and I are.

I don't understand you sometimes. You say these things, make these assumptions and plans. Yet, at the same time, when it suits you, you pull away and play the convenient card - we don't live together, we've only been together for nine weeks, I told you what to expect from me, etc, etc etc.

I never know with you, how seriously you take us. How much latitude I have for expecting things from you. I know that the option of living together is something I at least am not comfortable with for now. I need you to sort your self out.

I need us to be clear we actually want to be together for the long haul, and I am not yet clear about that.

I woke up this morning and found myself still angry and upset with you. I can't put my finger on it although I am trying. But many times last night I felt I only ended up confusing you even more.

Should I just take a breather from you? At this very moment, I am liking you not being underfoot for me to contend with because I don't think I can be nice.

I think I need to go shopping.

I am sitting here virtually talking to myself because I cannot make sense of my own feelings. Here you are, loving, yet I feel sometimes, at times like this, that there are barriers. That my disappointment disappoints you.

I wish sometimes you would step out of your self and see that not everything is about how awful you are, and how fucked up you are, what a mess you are and whatever else negative you can think of to label your self.