Kissing you goodnight

Tonight will be the first in a while since I have gone to bed without kissing you, whether in spirit or in person.

I guess what irks me sometimes is that you don't tell me what your plans are. I have said many times before how important it is for me to know what is happening, so I can manage my heart. But you instead choose to ignore it time and again.

You leave things unsaid, so that I am left to surmise and then finally ask you for confirmation of things I already know with a sinking heart.

You avoid.

You don't discuss them with me, but instead just make up your own mind.

I am pissed off with you again.

I hate that you do this to me.

I think I should stop allowing you to do this to me.

Stop allowing you to assume I will follow you to the ends of the earth without question, without consideration for what I may want or need to do.

I try to accommodate you with the undecided, unspoken words.

I wish you would decide once and for all whether I am really a part of your life or whether you want to be a part of mine. Because this winging it just doesn't cut it for me anymore. I am fed up and I give up.

I will not do this for anyone anymore. And if you do not play ball, then out you go. On to the next one. Or not.

All I know is that I will not be part of anyone's life who doesn't hold me as important as their own needs.

I hold you above my own. I bend to your desires. I wish that sometimes you would bend to mine.

But all I see is you deciding for yourself where you want to be, what you want to do, where you want to go, and telling me as an afterthought, expecting me to understand and acquiesce. As if every time you spend with me is a favour I should be grateful for.

Well I am grateful, but I am also not unaware that I allow you in my life.

I think I should pull back now. Not allow you so much freedom. Unless you play ball with me, unless you actually consider me carefully in everything that you do, don't be part of my life.

I don't need someone to just fit me in when their schedule or life or desires suit them. I need someone who will be with me in my life too.

And obviously, you are an unwilling participant.