A While

I don't know why it always comes to this. After the initial yearning, you, just like the others, wane. And the small things I cherish and treasure disappear. The opening of doors, the stroking of my arm and holding me close when I am crying or feel small or vulnerable. The constant desire I can see in the shadow of your glance or feel at the edge of your fingertips.

Even lovemaking doesn't feel like that anymore. In fact, ever since you said 'I love you' it has gradually slid into being termed as sex.

How do I tell you that while on the one hand our ability to navigate day to day living seems to increase, our intimacy seems to have taken a backseat? That I miss that part of you is clear and undeniable. I guess I cannot understand how you don't miss that about us.

If our love started from something to passionate and so full of yearning, how can you not miss it like I do?

I love you and I know you love me too.

But I feel disconnected. Like we have become an old couple who no longer consider desire as part of the most important elements of their relationship.

I thought you were different I thought you were someone with whom I could spend my days, arms entwined, even if we were just sitting on a swing. Someone who would surprise me with a kiss on the nape of my neck when I least expect it, who would hold my face in her two hands and gaze into my eyes as if they contained the secrets of the universe.

It was like that for a while. But oh, how long it has been since I felt as if you adored me.

Now, every time we argue you have little patience. Your reaction to my unhappiness is anger first and foremost. Never anything else. Even the other day when I talked to you about logistics for post-boat training, you were curt. And all today when I asked you to kiss me, or invited you to make love, you laughed.

Can't you see I don't know anymore how to bring back what we had only a few weeks ago? Every trick in the book, every dress, every feminine wile, nothing seems to have an effect on you anymore.

I feel so unattractive with you. As if I am the one in love with someone who only tolerates me.

Oh this is not good. This feeling of one-sidedness, this lack of adoration.

What happened to how you used to adore me?

This is all I am. There is nothing more. Just like I know this is all you are. And I don't expect anything more. Just more of what I first saw. Is that a crime?

I love you and I love the ways you love me. Except lately I don't feel so loved because you seem to have lost tenderness, the ability to deal with me when I am in pain with some degree of protection and care. You used to hold me when I cried. Two days ago, you just said "dah lah tu". As if I was a child who had been going on too long.

Perhaps that is what it is. You are fed up with me and my crying. You no longer feel the desire to be the shoulder for me to cry on.

Perhaps that is what it is.

You are tired finally, of being in love with me.