Frayed

Strange day.

I completely forgot someone's birthday dinner last Saturday.

Hellboy was a charmer all that afternoon, and thank God Tigger was by my side.

Lately I have been feeling rather frayed at the edges and I can't explain why. My life is so good right now. Someone who loves me, someone to love, a job that pays me relatively well, a beautiful house, a dream resort that is in the making.

What else could a girl ask for?

And this sadness is not for wanting of something I cannot have.

I feel so overwhelmed some days at the thought of having to do everything on my own. Tigger I think is unsure why I feel that way, and my reluctance at turning to her for help I think makes her feel inadequate or useless or as if her presence doesn't make a difference in my life.

I have to stop making her feel not good enough.

Because she is good enough. And good to me.

I just spoke to her over the phone. I miss her when she is not with me. She sounds so sexy over the phone line. She is amused that I yearn for her so much.

I think she still doesn't understand how her presence in my life alone is enough from her. Like a buoy I cling to, to keep emotionally afloat. Obviously, she is a separate entity from me. She knows how to love without being immersed in another being.

I should learn how to do that.

Today as I cried and I clung to her, I thought of Creature and somehow it made me cry more. I was suddenly sad. Sad at the loss of it and us, how life has changed so completely for both of us. I wonder sometimes, a little more these days, whether she thinks of us and what we used to be. What we had and shared.

It's funny. I don't want it back. I am pretty sure about that. Yet, I am sad. Why would you feel sad for something you no longer want, especially when you now have something that is far better?

With Tigger I don't feel like I am settling. She loves me and I love her as she is. I don't wish she is someone different. Or her circumstances were different. Or her personality was different. I just love her the way she is, even the bits that sometimes annoy me.

I hope she loves me the same.